new thoughts.

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there’s been lots of deep introspection, lengthy into-the-night conversations, provocative and necessary deliberation.. we’ve come to a lot of good partial-resolutions.

we will not subject ourselves to any further ovulation induction.

this means that ovulation induction and IUI and/or sex is off the table (not sex entirely haha).. we have decided that it’s not worth the time, aggravation, money, emotion and whatnot for such a small success rate. we want IVF and nothing less.. sort of. let me explain… right now, i am on CD10 of a cyst cycle. meaning no ovulation induction can occur this cycle.. and as we all know my body does not ovulate on it’s own, so there is no chance of ovulation this cycle. according to my RE, i am to start provera CD15 for the usual 10 days. i am likely still going to do that. however, at the start of my next cycle i am not going in to my RE for ultrasound after ultrasound.. we are going to assume that the cysts are gone. why? well.. because last time i had cysts they were more than double the size and we were allowed to start another gonal F cycle with cysts the size mine were at the start of this current cycle. so…. we are going to, instead of doing nothing, opt for an unmonitored clomid 150 cycle. why? because we can’t afford to do another injectable cycle at $4000 a pop.. nor do we want to do absolutely nothing, when in fact, even though clomid 100 did not induce ovulation the two times we tried it.. we never did try clomid 150. so that is the plan. no more injectable ovulation induction. all our efforts will be focused on waiting for IVF. of course this could all change if i am accepted into the free IVF drug study at my clinic. no word on that yet.. all i have heard is that they are having trouble getting the study approved because the offer of free IVF is so appealing, the people who are in charge of approval say that may be why people want to be in the study (duh!).. whatever.. point being, they are not ready to start the study and i have no idea if i’ll be accepted when they are ready.

in the meantime, we will be starting our own type of fund raising. we are going to try to sell my car. we don’t need two cars when one of us works from home, and the other rides his bike to work. it’s really quite silly. (anyone interested in a 1995 blazer?) .. and we are going to have a tag sale. a massive, get-rid-of-all-our-crap-taking-over-the-basement sale. we live in the perfect neighborhood for such things.. i’m even going to bake some kick ass cupcakes to sell. i bet we could make a decent amount. also.. we’re going to make shirts.. well steve is going to make shirts.. it’s quite convenient to be married to a graphic artist.. the shirts will be pro-vegan and the like. i’m sure i’ll have a little store thingy on this page when it’s all set up. ..

i will be looking for more ways to raise money. (any ideas?) we have a lot of debt to get rid of from our wedding, honeymoon, vet bill and now my huge RE bills.

it’s all quite overwhelming and entrapping. i need to feel like i can overcome these things and that someday i will have a child. some days it’s very hard to believe that. i fear so much, that this process is going to take so long (already over a year) that my parents, and my husbands parents, will be too old to know our children. my parents are in their 60s already. my sister and brother both have two kids, and all four kids are old enough that they will always remember my parents. i don’t think my kids will be so lucky. they will be like me.. with faded, blurry images of of my grandparents, who all died when i was young. i find this so unfortunate and unfair.. meanwhile my sister and brother entirely take the gift of my parents presence for granted. they are so lucky.

anyway. today i feel a small bit of encouragement. i can climb this mountain, even if it’s steep and treacherous.. at least today i feel i can.

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